I am not going to quote facts, statistics, or magazine articles from Elle, Glamour, or Family Circle. I am not going to throw you advice from marriage therapists filled with terms that you may, or may not understand. I am going to talk about what has worked for us, the past two decades, as well as for both sets of my grandparents who had decades of successful marriages with their spouses, in the next few articles.
I have also seen what does not work in numerous marriages over the last three decades that I have been studying personal relationships. So, this I would like to share with you first.
There are times that a marriage, or relationship, should not continue.
Any relationship where a partner, or both partners are physically, or emotionally abusive, should be dissolved. THIS WILL NEVER CHANGE. GET OUT NOW! Trust me. Infidelity that happens more than once is a pattern too. Get out of this as well. This is emotional abuse as serious as any other abuse. YOU never cause the abuse issues. You may be blamed for them by the perpetrator, but if you were truly the reason, they should have broken off the relationship and left. This person should have never abused anyone.
Unmanageable mental illness that has not resolved itself to a healthy degree, via meds and therapy, should be considered difficult at best. It is a very sad state, because these beautiful people need a life-long partner more than anyone. They deserve to be happy as much as the next person. However, on the flip side, these relationships can be awfully toxic and abusive. The one with the mental illness often gets abused, because the partner loses patience and lacks understanding on what the illness really is and how to deal with it lovingly. On the other hand, I have been a victim of abuse by more than a few persons with mental illness. I don’t think they mean to be abusive in the least, but they are none the less. It becomes a cycle of abuse from both persons after a while. It is an endless, unhealthy cycle. I find it rare, unfortunately, that this ever gets resolved with the same two partners. It is time to move on for everyone’s sake.
Abusive relationships end up affecting many more people than just the two involved. It seeps into the extended family and circle of friends. Individual partners will call individual family members with their marital problems. Sometimes these end up being monetary problems as well. The person trying to listen to, or help, the struggling persons may not want to take sides. They really shouldn’t. This gets ugly in a hurry. Holidays are tense. Kids get stuck in the middle of the mess; even nieces and nephews and cousins. They feel the tension, hear the arguments, and feel the absence of beloved family members at functions, when they don’t end up showing up. The sooner these relationships are dissolved, not resolved, the better.
“WHAT?!?!” (That was you.)
Yes, that is what I said.
“I thought you were FOR marriages!”
I am. I am for HEALTHY marriages.
The unhealthy ones are the relationships that continue to be rough, for long periods of time, month after month, year after year.
Abusive relationships that last for just months, need to be dissolved immediately. (I am not talking about arguments that can get a bit ugly. I am not talking about going through hard times of moving, job change, job loss, loss of a child, money issues, temporary illness, physical handicaps, etc.) I am talking about constant belittling, constant name calling, hitting, throwing things at, drug abuse by one or both persons, and a pattern of infidelity.
SO….what DOES a healthy marriage look like? WHAT does it take to have one? Do they REALLY exist?
How do we resolve issues that are long-term, non-abusive issues, but that may cause depression, anxiety, and a feeling of helplessness? Do we stay, or do we dissolve?
Please join me in the following articles to come! Better yet, please “follow” this blog officially, so you don’t miss out by getting lost in the waves and seas of the blog world.
I am here for YOU! Throw me a specific question in the comments below, and I will write you a specific article! See you soon!